The Depression

Hello everyone,

     It's been snowing for over a week here in Denver, and since I'm a beginner at hiking and barely have any gear, I haven't been able to make it out. To top it off, I managed to catch an upper respiratory infection last weekend that completely took me down. Being bedridden forced me to look at the state of my emotional health. Prognosis: not good. I am trapped in a horrible depression. For those of you who don't know, I'm a pretty melancholy person, and I like it. I think it helps me appreciate the good things in life, while keeping my expectations of life realistic. I'll go through small bouts of depression, but I can always tell myself it's just my brain chemistry, and I fight my way through until my brain chemistry re-balances itself. This depression, however, has been eating away at my soul for the past 7 months. Luckily, I'm already seeing a psychiatrist for sleep issues.

     Our culture has this taboo around depression and mental health care in general, and I just don't get it.  Our minds are beautifully complicated; each one is a powerhouse processing center living in your skull. Our brains only require approximately 10 – 20 watts of power, and yet are so complex that we still have yet to create a computer capable of rivaling ours. I don’t see why we wouldn’t want to do our best to keep it running in tiptop shape. We do it with all of our technology, so why wouldn’t you want to take your brain in for a tune up every once in a while? Do you feel guilty buying virus protection for your computer? Obviously, something in my brain is wonky, so I’ve been taking it into the shop. The shop just happens to be a psychiatrist.

     My psychiatrist is thinking about putting me on Lithium, since tricyclic antidepressants and I don’t get along. It’s an old school drug, and scientists still aren’t quite sure about the mechanism through which it works. I just haven’t had the greatest luck with drugs in general, so I’d rather find another outlet. In an act of desperation after a weekend of four big Kleenex boxes, I started looking at yoga studios near my apartment. I found one that is a block from my apartment, and is the cheapest one I found. I was nervous because it’s Vinyasa yoga (I’m a Hatha yoga kind of girl), but it turned out to be exactly what I needed. This depression has poisoned my mind, body, and soul, but for that one hour I was able to focus on the better parts of myself. I was able to forget the world around me and just focus on what I was doing on my mat. I cried when it was over, because I had to come back to the world. I obviously needed more yoga in my life. So, I’ve signed up for unlimited yoga and I’ll be going about three times a week.

     Therapy comes in many forms. It can be a professional (note that there are good ones and bad ones, so always hunt for a good one). It can be a yoga class. It can be a long hike with pups. It can be art. It can be talking with a friend. Anything that allows you to process your emotions can be therapy. Our society is a difficult place to live, and there is no shame in needing help from time to time. It is best to do a little bit at a time, and to not let it build up. So, take a little time each week (each day is even better), and do something to help you process the hard stuff. That darkness that most people run from is the stuff personal growth is forged from. It is not fun, it is not easy, and more than likely you’ll take a few wrong turns along the way, but it is so worth it. I want to be the person who knows themselves completely. I want to love me for me, all my strengths and all my flaws. Be the love you wish to have in your life (I’ve found a signature!). This is the single greatest lesson; one I am still learning.

Trying to stay warm on my way home from a late night at work this week.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. The weather looks hopeful for a hike next weekend, so keep your fingers crossed and I’ll see you all soon!

Be the love you wish to have in your life,

Victoria